Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Diet and Exercise

After a many month lapse I've started using MyFitnessPal and Garmin Connect regularly again.  I have yet, however, to go back to the gym.  Though I'm paying for it, so maybe I should.

That's all.

Thursday, August 02, 2018

It doesn't get easier to deal with loss

I don't mean to imply that you never get over loss. I mean we all get over losses eventually, it mostly depends on the impact of the loss. What I really mean is sometimes it weighs on you and the way it affects you changes, but that feeling never goes away completely. This is especially true when someone dies, or at least it is still true for me and the death of my father. He would have been 52 this year, his Birthday would have been just a few days ago. We lost him almost two years ago and he was buried in Arlington, or his ashes were, just over a year ago now.
We weren't particularly close, not like some parents are with their kids. I think we're both to blame for that. I miss him though, almost every day. Funny thing is, I didn't think I would. Which I guess is a lousy thing to say, but what I mean is I didn't realize the impact his death would have on me. His death, albeit tragic in it's own way, was both expected and not. He had his demons and they ultimately led to his death, but we just didn't expect it to happen to him so young.
I find myself thinking about him, wondering if I could have done anything to change the circumstances of his death or the long set of events that would ultimately lead to it. However I also remind myself that I was just a kid when he started drinking heavily and I didn't have any control over him.
I sometimes wish I could ask him advise on things. Just about cars or things around the house or even parenting. But I can't. And I think about all the moments in my life he's missed, both now and when he was alive. I wish I could have asked him so many things before that I will never get a chance to ask him now. These are the things I still think about.
The funny thing, and maybe funny isn't the right word, and I may have talked about this before, but he wasn't even my biological father. Of course my parents in their finite wisdom didn't officially acknowledge this until I was 18, though on some level I had made this determination years earlier, around 12 or 13. I had discovered my father's original enrollment papers in the army and the dates didn't make sense because I knew how long it took for a baby to born, but I never said a thing, going along with the "secret". I'd really like to ask him why he never said anything. My mom is still here and I could ask her, hell she lives with me now, but I can't find a way to bring it up. I have so many questions about my bio dad too.
My wife Facebook stalked him for me, thanks to some information my grandma had (my dad's mom - just to make this slightly less confusing). It seems that I have at least one step brother and sister, though I don't know if that's the right way to say that about the offspring of someone who is in my mind just a sperm donor. I don't know why I am sharing all this, maybe it's over sharing, but I don't care these are all thoughts I'm having.

I don't have a clue

I'm so very tired. It's almost all the time now.