Saturday, May 27, 2006

Post 300

This is the 300th Post to this crappy blog.

Wow...I've lasted this long and I still get an occasional reader.

Of course, that isn't really what this post is about at all.

I guess mainly what I want to say is that I am in love with the most beautiful, funny, charming, witty, charismatic, cheerful, pleasant, lovely, wonderful, attractive, amazing, fantastic girl in all the world. And if you disagree with me, tough because it is true.

I would do anything for her and I love her more than one can properly write in words. She is the one thing that gives my life meaning. She is the one person that makes me truly happy.

However, at the same time I am making her miserable, I know this, even though she may not come right out and say it, but it is true. I am so far away from her right now and it kills me, I want to be there every night and make sure she is able to fall asleep and I want to be there every day to make sure she is protected from whatever danger she may come into contact with, but I can't. I feel as though I am betraying her in a way, and that is the last thing I want to do. Of course, I don't know if she thinks that, I doubt it, but I could be wrong.

I find myself almost at tears writing this, because I feel like a lousy boyfriend and even lousier friend. Just leaving and pretending that is okay. I am torn.

I want to do something to make up for what I have done, but at the same time, I don't know what I could do to make up for putting someone through pain grief and turmoil. I feel so bad about myself. I just I don't know what to do.

I have a hard time visualizing things so I can't really imagine what it is exactly she is going through even though we talk all the time on the phone. Send text messages and emails. IM each other like crazy. Of course it still doesn't make up for the fact that we are so far apart. So I just can't imagine what it is she is really going through. I mean even if she tells me, I still can't imagine, because I just can't visualize it. I seem to be incapable of visualizing pain, or feelings of discomfort if you will. I think empathy is the term, I lack the ability to feel what others are feeling and when I do, it is still somehow wrong.

I just wish that I had never left to begin with. Sure my family is great, but can love compare to family. And sure you can say that there is some sort of love associated with family or some crap like that, but I just lost my train of that. What I am trying to say is I'd much rather be with her, right now.

I love you Chelsea.