Friday, September 30, 2005

End at the beginning, Begin at the end

Thank You! I genuinely mean that. Thank you for everything.

I am writing this in AbiWord because at present blogger does not appear to be up. I will hopefully have it in blogger by the time you read this, because if you can read this while I am typing it in AbiWord then my security flaws are greater than even could've believed.

I am in a quasi mood of sadness, hate, joy and fear all at once. My WinAmp playlist is currently comprised of Gary Jules' version of "Mad World", Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)", Semisonic's "Closing Time" and the Eagle's "Desperado". So tell me would you agree with my assertion that I am currently not sure what feelings I am experiencing?

Each song has its own uniqueness to it. Each song speaks from a different point of view about a different subject, but they all share something. Each song is equally good, imho. Of course of the four Desperado is my favorite. Desperado is the song you let a suicidal person listen to right before they jump, pull the trigger, kick the bucket/chair, etc., and if they really mean it you'll know by how they react to the song. To be honest I don't really know what I am talking about, but I obviously wrote for one reason or another.

I would love to have a psychologist or psychiatrist or someone who understand the human mind better than I a simple lay person. It is amazing isn't it. We posses what we assume is one of the greatest mental abilities of any other creature on this planet and yet we know next to nothing about it really. What does that say about us really? Well for one we are not omnipotent as some would like to believe they are. Also we are not all geniuses, you know just because you know and or understand something doesn't make you smart. Intelligence comes from the application of dormant knowledge. That is to say, I for example know, oh, so many things, but it is only dormant knowledge. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things. If I can actively use and apply that knowledge towards a greater good, that would show true intelligence. Man can know and understand all "Godly" facts, but if man does not use that knowledge to the best of his ability he is no smarter than a programmed automaton who only recalls and delivers the information IT has been programmed to know and possibly understand.

Well by now the songs are on their second play through thanks to the repeat all button. Okay, now here is something I have been trying to figure out for a while. Why are so many people blinded wholly by their faith. It is true that I ask this as cynic in regards to understanding their point of view, but I just don't understand. How can any one person have faith in something that can not be proved definitively. And yes I also realize that gravity is not a definitive thing either, being a theory and all, but people do believe it exists. However, in that instance it is declared a THEORY, where as some people take their religion as undeniable fact. I mean, my God, why? Funny, huh? But, seriously why do people have such strong convictions in these things? I'll be honest sometimes I wish I had faith in something, so I could at least partially understand the devoutly religious. That unfortunately won't happen. I have, as some of you may know, lost all faith in my fellow man. Now, as a precursor, this only due to the fact that I can completely question existence and not get an answer and this is no ones fault. Perhaps humanity was never supposed to understand itself. Perhaps even trying to do so is folly. Maybe we should all continue to live our sheltered existence alone on this planet until a time comes when we can actively understand the truth of the situation.

Sometimes I wonder if I am on a drug that I am not aware of, I just went back and read what I wrote, but I get nothing from it. I find it to be pointless and with out cause. I don't know, maybe I am bi-polar or something. Maybe, I shouldn't question myself. Perhaps there is a reason for all this that just doesn't make sense right now.

At least one thing can always be certain for the time we have here, everyday starts new and ends new. The same thing never really happens again. Sure there are similarities, but nothing is ever the same. That is one thing we can always count on, not that this is necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, but we can count on it. Now to say that that is pure randomness or fate is not up to me. I am not controller or caretaker of the Universe or the earth for that matter. I can't even say for certain that any of this is real. That we aren't merely the creation of something or someone in a temporal plane of existence unknown to us. The world is an odd place. Yes, there are cycles and their repetition, but each cycle and repetition is imperfect or flawed when compared to its predecessor. This is the beauty of life. There is no pattern, but their is no randomness. Everything happens for a distinct reason and has a distinct cause, but nothing happens by fate and their are millions upon millions of probabilities for every action to prove that. As an example I submit to you this, when you wake up in the morning you are presented with choices, most of them unknown to you, but they are. You can proceed with your day, as though it were any other day, or you could go to sleep, or you could down the hall and beat the neighbor who plays the loud music, or you could jump out of a window, or you could do any one of a myriad of things. That is, absolutely nothing is set in stone. Ever. Even the stuff that is set in stone can be lost forever.

I don't know where I was going with this. I hope you don't mind the fact that I went on so long. I would like to take the time to thank my readers for reading this blog. I don't know who you are, but I would like it a lot if you said hi. Either with a comment, you can post anonymously, or with an instant message or even by e-mail. I am always here to listen to criticism, I only ask you keep it clean or I will have to delete it.

And now, because I did listen to them, here are the four songs:

Mad World - Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places

Worn out faces

Bright and early for the daily races

Going no where

Going no where

Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression

No expression

Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow

No tomorrow

No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles its a very very

Mad world

Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good

Happy birthday

Happy birthday

And I feel the way that every child should

Sit and listen

Sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me

No one knew me

Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson

Look right through me

Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles its a very very

Mad world

Mad world

Enlarging your world

Mad world

"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

Closing time - time for you to go out, go out into the world.

Closing time - turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.

Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.

Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

I know who I want to take me home.

I know who I want to take me home.

I know who I want to take me home.

Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from.

Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisters

come.

So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have found

a

friend.

Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning'send.

Yeah, I know who I want to take me home.

I know who I want to take me home.

I know who I want to take me home.

Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from...

I know who I want to take me home.

I know who I want to take me home.

I know who I want to take me home.

Take me home...

Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning'send...

"Desperado"

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

You been out ridin' fences for so long now

Oh, you're a hard one

I know that you got your reasons

These things that are pleasin' you

Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy

She'll beat you if she's able

You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things

Have been laid upon your table

But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger

Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home

And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'

Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?

The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine

It's hard to tell the night time from the day

You're losin' all your highs and lows

Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

Come down from your fences, open the gate

It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you

You better let somebody love you, before it's too late