Tuesday, August 09, 2005

FUNNY!

I copied the following from the link in the title. I couldn't stop laughing. Have fun reading it. I did.

This was inspired by the now infamous "Skippy's List". However, that list was Army-centered, and is a few years out of date, since it refers to a deployment in Kosovo (or Bosnia, somewhere around there). So I've got a list for me, in the USAF, deployed to Iraq. Enjoy!


I'll probably add more eventually, as I think of them


135 things Jabba is no longer allowed to do in the Air Force


Acronyms and military terms used:

COMM: short for the Communications squadron, the guys who handle phones and computers and such

UXO: Unexploded Ordnance, like dud bombs and the like

MRE: Meal Ready to Eat. The chemical heaters are in plastic bags. If you put the chemical heaters into a bottle, like one of the many water bottles, and, well, add water, and screw the cap on tight, the bottle will explode from the built-up steam. That's an MRE bomb

EOD: Explosive Ordnance Disposal. Crazy mofos.


RAF: Royal Air Force, the UK air force

HQ: Headquarters

PVC: dunno what it stands for, but it's a kind of pipe that looks a lot like a rocket body if you're doing a UXO sweep in the dark, trust me

AA: Anti-Aircraft gun

VIP: Very Important Person

SecDef: The Secretary of Defense

BX: The Base Exchange, the only store on base, the only place to go to buy stuff outside of the souvenir shops

DCU: Desert Cammies

MEP: Mission Essential Power


CE: Civil Engineering; handles power, water, A/C, roads, and so forth. Everything infrastructure

RPG: Rocket Propelled Grenade

HazMat: Hazardous Materials

PT: Physical Training


The List


  1. Scorpions are not mascots

  2. Scorpions are also not housepets

  3. Wild dogs are not "man's best friend"


  4. It's not an acceptable form of entertainment to shut off power to the camp and see how long it takes someone to call in

  5. Cutting COMM's power is not justifiable retaliation for a website being blocked

  6. ...Even if it was a really funny website

  7. Not longer allowed to protest next to the runway when the SecDef comes

  8. ...Even if the signs are really funny

  9. No longer allowed to ask Army personnel very confusing questions

  10. An M-16 is not an action movie prop

  11. The power plant's fuel bladder is not a "giant waterbed"

  12. When asked about the location of any personnel or equipment, the proper answer is never "Dantooine... they're on Dantooine"


  13. No longer allowed to offroad in any areas that have not been cleared of UXOs

  14. No longer allowed to offroad at all

  15. Leaving "MRE water heater bombs" outside EOD's building at 0200 when they're all sleeping is not allowed

  16. The control room in the power plant is not "Just like Engineering"

  17. No longer allowed to impersonate Scotty

  18. Especially when an officer calls to request mobile generator support

  19. Switching the "circuit open" and "circuit closed" lights on the control panel to make new plant operators think that a generator is disconnected, causing them to accidentally kill power when they try to close the breaker to "reconnect" power, is no longer allowed

  20. Not allowed to ask the Brits or the Aussies "So when are you guys leaving?"

  21. Not allowed to impersonate an Irish accent, or Lucky the Leprechaun, around Irish members of the RAF


  22. Not allowed to run past the RAF tents with chow-hall bowls of Lucky Charms, yelling "They're after me lucky charms!"

  23. Just because HQ is located in a building called "the glass house", not allowed to inform the base commander or any of his subordinates that they are not allowed to throw stones

  24. Not allowed to heckle "Tops in Blue", even if they really do suck

  25. Not allowed to tell gate guards "You don't need to see my identification"

  26. Not allowed to pick up scrap metal in the junkyard and show my supervisor, saying "look sir, droids!"

  27. Not allowed to ask supervisor if I can borrow the tug and "drive in Toschi Station to pick up some power converters"

  28. ...Even if I really am going to pick up power converters, the Services tent is not Toschi Station

  29. No longer allowed to give Star Wars names to locations on base

  30. ...Or Star Trek names


  31. ...Or Dune name

  32. ...Or names from any science fiction or fantasy work

  33. Not allowed to put fins on PVC pipe and stick it into the ground next to HQ and call it in as a UXO

  34. Not allowed to point old Iraqi AA guns at arriving aircraft

  35. ...even if they are already on the ground

  36. ...especially if it's a VIP aircraft

  37. ...doubly especially if it's the SecDef stopping by again

  38. Not allowed to tell visiting media that if they really want to see how things are over here, they're welcome to go outside the wire

  39. No taunting the Iraqi guards at the airport


  40. No mooning the control tower either

  41. No longer allowed to stop by the CIA compound and ask what they're up to

  42. ...or ask them where bin Laden really is

  43. No longer allowed to tell new arrivals that I saw Saddam Hussein in prison orange eating in the chow hall, because I didn't

  44. Not allowed to picket the chow hall

  45. ...or the BX

  46. It's usually in bad taste to tell BX employees that you could get something much cheaper on the internet, or to remark loudly that Amazon has a much better selection, even if it's true

  47. No longer allowed to befriend wild animals

  48. ...yes, even the kittens


  49. No longer allowed to feed the rat that lives under the power plant

  50. If I couldn't catch the gecko the first time, I'm not going to catch it the next fifty times I try

  51. If I do catch the gecko, not allowed to keep it as a pet

  52. Not allowed to heckle VIPs at their speeches

  53. ...including the SecDef

  54. ...and the chaplain

  55. Not allowed to hold Pagan Rites on base without first obtaining permission and filling out the requisite forms

  56. Not allowed to call burn barrel fires a Pagan rite

  57. Not allowed to sacrifice anything to the sun god


  58. Sandstorms are not caused by angry djinn

  59. My tent is not the Love Shack

  60. The female tents are also not Love Shacks

  61. The Laundry tent is not the Love Shack, despite appearances to the contrary

  62. Not allowed to go into the base library and take all the Bibles and put them in the science fiction section

  63. Not allowed to put books by Ron L Hubbard in the religious section

  64. Not allowed to surround the power plant with a minefield for security purposes

  65. Not allowed to call the Supply Tent "Costco" or "Wal-Mart"

  66. Not allowed to lock the bathrooms


  67. Not allowed to use camel spiders to scare people

  68. Not allowed to call a camel spider "My magical talking companion"

  69. Not allowed to get a Kiss Army patch on my DCUs

  70. Not allowed to instruct the barbers to give me a Mohawk

  71. Not allowed to try to wear my boonie cap backwards

  72. Not allowed to try to trade my M-16 to Global Security contractors for an AK-47 and a case of beer

  73. Not allowed to try to ferment grapes from the chow hall to make moonshine or hooch

  74. Not allowed to use MEP-12 prime power plant generators as a still

  75. Not allowed to shoot the radio and yell to my supervisor that "we're gonna have company" when somebody calls asking why the power is out


  76. ...even if it was a boring conversation anyway

  77. ...especially if it's the commander

  78. Not allowed to make special requests at the chow hall

  79. ...like for filet mignon

  80. ...or "anything not fried"

  81. ...or "something that doesn't suck"

  82. Not allowed to demand a refund for chow hall food

  83. Not allowed to sing showtunes over the CE radio net

  84. Not allowed to sing anything over any net


  85. Not allowed to sing in public at all

  86. ...or in private

  87. Not allowed to play the cat game (from Super Troopers) with anyone who needs a generator

  88. ...even if "Meow long will you need this generator for?" is funny

  89. Not allowed to operate a pirate radio station from "deep inside a secret bunker"

  90. Not allowed to scare new arrivals with stories of a network of secret insurgent tunnels running under the base

  91. Not allowed to practice law without credentials

  92. Not allowed to dance with the broom while doing shop clean-up

  93. Not allowed to pressure wash the inside of the boss's office


  94. ...even if it is dirty in there

  95. Not allowed to drive in and out of Security Forces checkpoints repeatedly just because the gate guard on duty is hot

  96. Not allowed to drag race anywhere on base

  97. ...especially "highway 1"

  98. Not allowed to play "chicken" with armored vehicles

  99. Not allowed to use the loudspeakers to play protest songs

  100. May no longer insist on carrying a stuffed animal everywhere and asking it before I do anything

  101. Not allowed to name wild animals

  102. ...or to force others to use those names


  103. Not allowed to drop something heavy on the roof of the control room and tell the people inside that a mortar just bounced off

  104. It's not my job to point out holes in base security

  105. ...even if they are pretty big

  106. Not allowed to yell "Bring it on" at the civilian side of the airport

  107. Not allowed to "punk" anyone

  108. ...especially officers

  109. Not allowed to ask civilian contractors how much more they're getting paid

  110. The commander's office is not a HazMat storage area for waste oil

  111. ...with or without the barrels


  112. Not allowed to go to the supply tent for the sole purpose of flirting with the clerks

  113. Not allowed to requisition "Maxim" or "Stuff" for "research purposes"

  114. Not allowed to customize my M-16

  115. ...that includes engraving my name on it or stealing scopes and laser sights from the cops

  116. Pellet guns are not authorized on military installations for my own safety and I will remember that

  117. Not allowed to sell bootleg movies from my tent

  118. Not allowed to administer "A good death" to an ailing generator, with an RPG-7

  119. Not allowed to yell "game over man, game over!" during outages

  120. Not allowed to shut off fuel and see how long it takes the generators to shut down


  121. ...especially if I'm taking bets

  122. Not allowed to take bets on anything

  123. Not allowed to speak in tongues

  124. I am not a faith healer

  125. A speedo and a wifebeater is not "Conservative PT gear"


Update [2005-8-9 9:34:29 by jabbausaf]:

126. Sock puppets are not in my chain of command.

127. Magic 8 Ball is not in my chain of command.


128. I do not "got the touch" or "the power"

129. ...even if I do light the darkest hours.

130. May not use interpretive dance to criticize command decisions.

131. The making of near-beer bongs is strongly discouraged.

132. I am not "Lord of the Sand Flies".

133. No longer allowed to burn superior officers in effigy

134. Med clinic personnel will no longer be referred to as "Dr Feelgood"

135. The Med clinic will no longer be referred to as "The Happy-pill Emporium"